The New Messiah is a Chimp!

Well, what would you call a baby chimp born in a place populated by chimpanzee females and eunuchs? Not only is the new messiah a chimp, he’s a girl! A girl named, most piously, Tracy. I’ve long suspected that this would happen; that if we humans didn't get our shit together, the goddess would replace us with a species who not only have got their shit together, but pack it tightly, then hurl it in a crystal clear act of derision. You never see a chimp going around wondering if they've offended someone. Nope, fecal splattering says it all.

Okay, not a miracle birth, simmer down Bible Belt. However, until now, it was thought that all of the males were sterilized at Chimp Haven - a rest home for retired research chimps. Theresa, a wild-born chimp in her late 40's, proved the silly humans wrong when she chose to become a Single Mother by Choice. During her career, she gave birth 10 times; all over 13 years ago. However, her babies were taken from her and are now living at either a research facility chain-smoking or being injected with S.A.R.S. or elsewhere entertaining Naked Apes. Slightly saddened as she pondered her twilight years alone, she watched the males run in packs, shunning commitment and chasing after the newly-arrived, younger females, until...she overheard the unidentified Stud Chimp thumping his chest and bragging about how an undercover P.E.T.A.-member researcher faked his sterilization. Remembering skills she observed, the determined Theresa waited until one of Stud Chimp’s numerous daily wanks and gathered the up the goods in a turkey baster.

Being a middle-aged female, she was virtually invisible, making it no great feat to hide her pregnancy. No one noticed until she showed up one day with her baby girl. No Lamaze, no ingesting extra quantities of folic acid, no ice-cold stirrups; just quietly excused herself and boom! BABY!

While the humans at Chimp Haven launch a Maury Povich Baby-Daddy investigation, Theresa and Tracy look on and smile contentedly.