Fight Fire with Fire Wire

Hey, GenXer’s - I figured out what our thing should be to take back the country from the Squatters in the Whitehouse. You know how in the early part of the 20th century they went out on strike to bring about change? The fifties had boycotts. In the 60’s, they marched. In the 70’s, they had sit-ins. Then came heroine and cocaine and ecstasy…we forgot to protest and stumbled through Reagan & Bush. Then, on through the Clinton years, where we were at least happier while we got screwed. Now, we’ve got a veritable coup on our hands and the best we’ve got is picketing miles away from the event and DVD parties?!! We’ve got to do something, because shit’s gotten out of hand. But strikes are not our thing. We actually don’t want to ‘not work’. How else would we blog? It’s the new smoke break. And, work is air conditioned. Boycotts are an inconvenience, yes, I’ll say it for all of us. Same goes for marches and sit-ins…people get ‘ripe’ well before social change comes about, okay? We’ve become accustomed to not smelling like ourselves…don’t judge us, World.

So what does that leave? How are we going to bring about change without really exerting any effort? What shall be the GenX Sermon on the Mount? Consider this…just as every seminar at the end of college advised us to do, let’s go with our strengths. We have morphed into a society of well connected hermits. Through the magic of cellphones, PDA’s, Xboxes, PodCasts, email, blogging, finally finding our personal space out in the open at My Space, we stay in touch without touching. Like it or delete it, these are our so-called Strengths.

So how do we take back our country? Well, there’re going to be electronic voting shenanigans come the 2006 elections. It’s a given. Therefore, let Nov. 7 be our Norma Rae Moment and back up our data, synchronize our respective devises and uber-crash the bitches! Ready, Aim, WiFi! We don’t even have to be secret about it. Because once it’s known that that’s what type of party it’s gonna be like, Hackers from both sides will flip the votes back and forth, back and forth, back and forth– a cyber battle of attrition - until the hacking cancels itself out with the Blue Screen O’ Death.

Then we’ll use the machines that have worked just fine since the 60’s, when the last of us were born.

I am not Janeane's maid!

Here's me with Janeane Garofalo. We were both born in 1964; both in NJ. We're both vegetarians. We both were very nice to my nephew, Ni-ni (Beni). We both had Dad's who worked for Exxon, well before the merger; mine as a Chemist, hers as an Engineer, I think (correct me, Nerdz). We both have been onto the antics of the Squatters in the Whitehouse since Day 1! We both look younger. We both dress like vagabonds. We were both chubby before and now...not so much. My Dad thought we both were very funny (and cute!). I still do open mic's, well, actually, non-paying booked spots. Janeane...www.imdb.com. We both are fond of telling people to 'kiss my fat, black ass!" We both smell nice. She's knows what it's like to earn her first million. I've been a Thousandaire for 3 months straight, now!

Oprah and Gayle - Total Besties!!!

Hey, I don't like Oprah. I don't hate her, either. I think she's uninteresting and has made a career off people who are interesting. I don't think that just because she's constantly on the "who has way too much money for one human being" list automatically makes her a genius. I don't believe just because she allowed herself to be used by a car company to 'give' people who can't afford to buy a car or the taxes resulting from recieving one as a 'gift' on national TV (where the IRS could TiVo it for future auditing ease) that she's a near-saint. I am very relieved that she stopped putting herself in the projects she produces - she sucked in "The Color Purple"! (Although, it was somewhat satisfying to see her get a beat down, rewind and see it again...) And, I did rejoice inside when "Hermes" didn't recognize her and turned her away from the store because IT WAS CLOSED!!! She cried 'racism'. Talkshow hosts are a race? Because all of the black people I know know how to go to a store before it closes.

With this new stunt, she's taking advantage of the 'Coming-Out-Without-Coming-Out' paradox. This is where you announce that you aren't gay in a gay-friendly way so that middle-America white women, who use their devotion to you as proof they aren't racist, will remain loyal viewers and gay mags won't viciously 'out' you. I don't care if Gayle and she stay up all night playing with a paper fortune-teller (see pic, remember those?) to see if Oprah and Steadman will marry or if they flip a coin to see who gets to strap it on...I truly don't care. However, denying it screams, "I'm gay!" Especially when you are 'the Oprah', who allegedly doesn't have to answer to anyone, including the Beef Industry (double entendre?). She's the one describing her relationship with Gayle as "otherworldly" and "designed by a hand greater than my own" wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more!

Here's a thought more eeiw-worthy than 'Gay-Not-Gay Oprah': 'Oprah's O' which you know sounds like, "I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I'm-m-m cu-u-u-u-u-m-m-ming!!!!" like she does when she introduces a guest. Feel free to cringe.

I hope I hope I hope I hope oh how I hope she'll move on to the next step in the 'I'm Not Gay' playbook which is "taking people to court to prove your not-gayness" i.e. Tom Cruise. So, I'm writing it here, without proof, Oprah and Gayle are totally gay! Now, I'm going to sit back and cross my fingers and hope that she'll sue me. My life lacks media frenzy. Sue me, Op', pleeeez.

Oh, that explains the pole in the big conference room...

Okay, so I just got my face delightfully cracked. I went up to one of my point-people for gossip and all-things-catty here at hell, uh, work, to ask something about the new chick, who dresses kind of like a barely-legal nymphette. Today’s ensemble, while subdued in comparison to other get-ups of note, is still ‘suspect’ (One outfit prompted a gay male co-worker to say, “I’m distracted by her breasts – I don’t how all the straight guys are getting any work done!”). Today, she’s dressed sort of like a back-up dancer from that 80’s “Hey Mickey” video in a pink flared mini and a white sleeveless top with a plunging neckline, that doesn’t cover her fetching gang tat. I actually like her; I just become super-prudish and feel somewhat guilty in her presence because of her over-whelming sexuality and distracting breasts. They are mesmerizing. They pull your eyes in like a fleshy whirlpool.

So, today, feeling giddy because the Little Fatman is away and I have a day planned of shirking my duties, I went up to my gossip-friendly co-worker and sarcastically asked, thinking I was going to be funny, “What’s the deal, does [Breasty] moonlight as a hooker?” and the reply came, totally deadpanned, “No, she’s a dancer.” Air-quotes implied. This has made my day! I don’t know why. But it answers a lot of questions and puts my inner-prude, ‘Emily’, at ease. Because ‘Emily’ was going to take ‘Breasty’ aside and suggest maybe not wearing the 2-inch eyelashes or the scrotum-stomping stilettos. But now ‘Emily’ and I feel much better that she’s not just a ‘bad’ dresser. In fact, I’m relieved that 'Breasty’ is a dancer and not a hooker. It’s just my opinion that the difference between the two is monumental. If some dumbass wants to pay you a coupla G’s just to look at your vertical smile, then so be it. Everybody’s happy and equally degraded. However, if you’re a hooker, you’ve got to “do it” for the cash, and only a good narcotic addiction can off-set that damage.

Then I became a little confused because, don’t dancers make loadsa money? Why does she need the soul-sucking day job? Then I remembered…health benefits! It's the reason I whore myself out from 9-ish-to-5:30. Now, I’m very excited about this year’s company Holiday party! What with my mediocre emcee skills and a resident stripper; we could go with a festive burlesque theme! Sure beats having to have conversations and mingling, eeiw.

3 charged with trying to steal coke recipe

ATLANTA, Georgia (AP) (7/5/06)-- Three people have been arrested and charged with stealing confidential information about drink recipes from The Coca-Cola Co. and trying to sell it to rival PepsiCo Inc., federal prosecutors said Wednesday.

This is a caper that was obviously planned when these people were in junior high. So, let's give them points for perseverance. Here's a pic of two of the 'perps' from a serveilance tape. It's a wonder their co-workers weren't tipped-off . They probably spoke in code like, "Birdie in the cornbread" which meant "You're using up my cell phone minutes with this secret code crap!"

One of the suspects' last name is "Dimson". That's a derivative from the "Dumas/Dumbass" clan. It was destiny for him to screw up. I love what gave the Executive Assistant away...she "rifled through the files". Everybody knows 'Executive Assistants' don't file, that's for regular-level assistants and 'temps'. Exec. Asst.s don't do anything clerical beyond showing up; their job skill is to kneel. I ain't mad. I'm good at filing.

She also had some 'new' product shoved in her bag, along with the secret recipe. Can't be water; they've already done that, remember 'Dasani'? Maybe they're going to trot out that menthol flavour that Malt Liquor Co. tried in the '90's. shoot...cokeblak? Coffee coke. Menthol doesn't seem that redic' does it?

The plot was foiled thanks to valient and blanket efforts of the NSA spying campaign. Otherwise, terrorists would be brewing up soft drinks in bunkers and hating our freedom.